Garfield's Creed, or Nothing is Dieted and Everything is Eaten
by Jack Spheniscidae Enterprises
Summary: Garfield teams up with Assassin Ezio to fight the Templars! But not all is as it seems for nothing is true and everything is permitted! A multi-part tribute!
1. Chapter 1

Garfield's Creed, or Nothing is Dieted and Everything is Eaten – The Final Wars

Author's Note: I got bored and decided to pay tribute to the greatest writer who ever lived, the one who inspired me to ruin my life by writing fanfiction!

It was sunny day as Garfield weightlifted 100 ton on rooftop with manly muscles of muscular strength as suddenly he heard panic coming from downstairs!

"Garfield!" scream John Arbuckle with great panic. "The evil Templars have traveled in time using Device of Plot and they are stealing all the lasagna and babes in world for themselves in evil plan of evilness! Once they have all the lasagna and babes, they will have the power to destroy America (and the rest of world)!"

"Whaaaaa? Stealing all lasagna and babes for themselves?" Garfield curse with anger as he hear of great injustice being committed. He crumple his 100 tons into balls with ease. "Only true evil do not know that sharing means caring! I must punish the Templars for wicked commitments of discretion made!"

"Garfield you must save America from their evil! And the rest of the world, if you have time." say John Arbuckle with great request of urgency. "It is task of great danger but if there is any man in the world who can do it, it is you, Garfield!"

"And you are not alone!" say new arrival as he use Device of Plot to travel in time and land on Garfield's roof. It was Ezio of the Assassin's Creed series! "Garfield, I know that I am but half the man that you are, but we must work together to stop the Templars!"

"You can tag along Ezio and maybe you can learn how to become real American hero like me on the way!" say Garfield with manly orders of emanation.

Garfield and Ezio hop into Garfield's Lasagna Falcon fighter jet and with speeds of top fly off to save the world.

As Garfield fly over the great cities of America, USA everyone in America come out and cheer on Garfield as he flew away to save America from evil forces of evilness yet again.

"Yay Garfield! He make me proud of American being!" say all passerby as they saluted him with wish of luck.

"And I am proud to serve people of great valor of America!" said Garfield with gratitude.

Then Garfield and Ezio reach Italy City, Italy where capitol of Lasagna and Babes are. The evil Templars were already there led by the Borgias and getting ready to eat all lasagna and smooth groove all the babes without sharing.

"Oh no it is the legendary Garfield, heroic American lasagna cat! We are doomed!" scream lesser Templar guard with worry of bedwetting direness.

"Do not be frighten!" say Cesare Borgia with military geniusness. "We greatly outnumber cretin cat and Assassinating past hero of Creed follow! We will overwhelm him with sheer numbers of strength!"

"Fool your numbers matter not for you follow evil and good will always triumph because evil is dumb!" said Garfield with heroism.

Garfield then leap from his fighter jet without parachuting while firing his Desert Eagles at the Templar guards killing them in the hundreds. As he land, his manly inner strength dent ground that make shockwave killing more Templars.

"I will feast upon your cat corpse tonight with great ravishing!" scream Templar of Great Evil Charles Lee who run at Garfield with firing rifle of assault.

"If you are so hungry…" said Garfield as he catch bullets from rifle of assault with his macho teeth and spit them back with force of bullet train at Charles Lee.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" scream Charles Lee as bullet knock him back right into Garfield's fighter jet as it explode by fall into ground exploding Charles Lee into a million pieces!

"Have some BBQ!" Garfield quip with cleverness as cooked pieces of Lee fall into Garfield's hands.

"Wow Garfield you are very good quipper!" Said admire Ezio. "If only I could quip as well as you!"

"Don't worry. Just learn from best and you'll get there in time. Now if you excuse me, we have Templar to defeat." Said Garfield reassuring to Assassinating Past Hero Ezio.

"You will never triumph!" Said Rodrigo Borgia with sheer evil of voice. "For you cannot defeat the Pope!"

"Pope Alexander… I think it is time that you were evicted with a little help from my friends!" Said Garfield with voice of undeterredness.

"Now I see the futility of thinking that we could have ever bested you, Garfield!" Said Rodrigo Borgia with fear scream of death as Odie arrive on Harley-Davidson motorcycle blaring Iron Maiden metal music of epic heaviness with city of Vatican attached to bumper!

As Odie hit ramp and flew over the Borgia call Rodrigo, Garfield use his Desert Eagle to shoot the cable of binding to make it cable of nonbinding and the city of Vatican fell onto Rodrigo Borgia, killing him to death!

"Oh no the legends are true How can we defeat Garfield now?" Said Lucrezia Borgia with womanly fear.

"Like we always do when the Good Guys become winner – RETREAT!" Screamed Cesare Borgia commander with order of retreating. He turn and run from Garfield, but Garfield was faster with his reflexes of lightning. Garfield harnessed his inner chi and with knowledge of his training of the arts of martial he use the ancient technique of deadliness known as Soft Debone Palm!

With cry of battle, Garfield shoot forward invisible field of force from his powerful palms. Instantly it hit Cesare Borgia and make him debone! Cesare Borgia collapse forward in heap of dead skin.

"Oh Garfield please spare me!" Said Lucrezia Borgia with pleading. "I will give you the sexy if you do!"

"I am sorry babe but your love is tainted with the love of evil. While I would run from you I shall run to you… with fist of justice dispensing!" With charge of water-buffalo strength and fist of great fury, Garfield uppercutted Lucrezia Borgia who screamed as she fly out of atmosphere into orbit.

"You did it Garfield you defeated the Templars for good!" Said Odie with congratulations.

"And I couldn't have done it without you, my wingpup." Said Garfield with thankings of you as he and Odie make epic buddy high-five that send jolts of tsunami earthquake inducing manliness through all of Italy. As their homes were devastated by the manly disasters created by Garfield and friends the people of Europe came out and applauded Garfield with applause of gratitude!

"Thank you all I couldn't have done this without you." Said Garfield with appreciation to the appreciative Italian people. "Now we shall have great lasagna feast with babes and you are all invited…"

"Not so fast. Don't touch that lasagna!" Said Ezio with sudden turn of vice!

"What do you mean?" Asked Garfield with questioning.

"You see Garfield the only reason I helped you defeat the Templars is because we the Assassins wanted them out of the way so we could have all delicious lasagna and babes to ourselves WITHOUT SHARING!" Said Ezio with laugh of turncoat evilness.

"Ezio I thought you were a man but it turns out you are merely just another Benedict Mutt." Said Garfield with disappointment as he ready his Desert Eagles. "I have no choice but to put you down!"

"I cannot live with fact of knowing that there are manlier people than I!" Said Ezio with hatred of revelation. "But even if you slay me Garfield you will never be able to defeat the Grandmaster Assassins of Evil!"

At that moment dark portal that emanate anti-American and anti-manly evil open up in the sky. Then descending from the portal came figure of evilness that radiate nega-manliness. Garfield and Odie brace themselves for tough fight that come ahead.

"Welcome to die Garfield!" The Grandmaster Assassin of Evil said with voice of metallic darkness as he floated with other evil Assassins following from portal behind him.

"You are wrong for the only person that die today shall be you and the Assassins." Garfield and Odie proclaim as they launch themselves through the air at Grandmaster with fists of justice. But the Grandmaster then take out new Device of Plot, the Sapper of Manliness. Powered by collaborative forces of Music of the 2000s Angry White Boy and mainstream pop music it zapped Garfield and Odie weakening their inherent manly powers.

"You cannot keep a good man down." Said Garfield with spirit of keep fighting.

"I know!" Said Grandmaster. Then he took out nefarious super bomb. "That is why I have invented this super bomb that will destroy America (plus the rest of the continent) for good! With America out of way, all world shall be for taking of Assassins!"

"I will stop you!" Said Garfield as he charged his inner strength.

"But with your manliness sapped you will not be able to catch up to the bomb and stop it in time before it destroys America!" Said the Grandmaster with vile-freedom hating evil as he and the other Assassins flew off in misguided perceivement of their triumph with all the lasagna and babes in tow!

"Oh no Garfield!" Said Odie with worry. "What will we do?"

"I may not be strong enough to catch up to the bomb myself, but that is not worry for I have you by my side, Good Friend Odie. With strength of mighty whirlwind, hurl me into sky after bomb and I will detonate it in orbit!"

"Garfield no the risk is too good you may not return from this!" Said Odie with sadness in his voice.

"I must do what has to be done to stop these vile enemies of freedom and lasagna." Said Garfield with heroic sacrifice. "After all a true man knows when he must sacrifice his own life for the lives of others."

Garfield then hand Odie tape of inspirational message with inspiring orders. "If I do not return within 24 hours, you must play this on the radio to all of the world in its entireness."

Then Odie grab Garfield with his paws of steel and swing him around with powerful force of mighty whirlwind and then Garfield went flying with speed of falcon. Garfield soar across ocean when he came across bomb, streaking across ocean set to destroy unsuspecting America! With pinpoint accuracy, Garfield grab the bomb and knock it off course. Garfield fearlessly prepare himself for possibility of martyrdom, then with final quip of cleverness so clever it cannot be replicated without insult to cleverness, Garfield create sonic boom with concentration of his regenerating manliness and fly off into orbit with bomb in tow.

To be continued…


	2. Chapter 2

It was cloudy and sad day with lots of thunder cracking and lighting strikes in sky in America for Garfield had heroically sacrificed himself to stop the bomb of evil Assassin plot to destroy America.

Obama the President had declared day of Garfield's heroic sacrifice to be international Garfield day where the world would remember all the days where Garfield saved the day for America and world and eat lots of delicious meaty cheesy lasagna.

John Arbuckle was driving down the highway in his classic Lamborghini Jalpa with contemplation of storm of evil that was coming to threaten America in this very moment as very as rememberings of all the happy times with Garfield that he had had while listening to classic 80s rock station.

"This is an inspirational motivational montage song for John Arbuckle that we will play right before playing inspirational message of inspirations from Garfield." Said the DJ as the radio started to play the song "No Easy Way Out" from manly movie of Americaness Rambo Balboa IV: The Quest for Peace.

Inspired by the song as he drove, John then listened to Garfield's voice coming on the radio, which emanated manly inspiration to people of world to continue fighting on in his absence against the evil Assassins which threatened freedom and lasagna. Through the radio, Garfield said to everyone inspirations.

"Garfield is right!" Said John Arbuckle with realizations. "We cannot afford to be pussies by being sad about Garfield's passing and let the Assassins take over American and the world without a fight! We must find the manliness in us all to rise up and fight against those who would take all the freedoms, lasagnas, and babes precious to us!"

John Arbuckle then took out his cellphone while driving to make call of importance to Obama the President when suddenly he heard loud noise coming from behind. It was a vile group of America-hating Assassins in Toyota cars readying to make chase of John Arbuckle.

"I'm afraid we can't let you make that call John Arbuckle!" Said the Assassin cars with warnings. "You have no hope of defeating Assassin because you are not man enough like Garfield so Pull over and surrender so you may be spared!"

"Dream on!" Replied John Arbuckle with rejections. "I AM AN AMERICAN AND I DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!"

"Then you will die with much pain like the rest of your filthy freedom loving country!" Said the Assassin cars as machine guns popping out of their wheels and began to fire. But John Arbuckle used his super American driving skills to backflip his car through the air to dodge the bullets. With expert skills of precision John Arbuckle landed his car wheels on the ground and was now behind the Assassin cars where he could unleash trap of death! With button push, rapid-fire rocket launchers popped out of John's Lamborghini and blew up all the Assassin cars!

"Take that, you filthy Assassins!" Said John Arbuckle with victory. "Your cheap Toyotas are no much for homebred America- er, Italian engineering!" He added at the end with corrections.

But then John Arbuckle realized that time to celebrate had not yet come as giant Assassin super bomber jet hover above him with bombs of dropping! John Arbuckle swerved his Lamborghini to avoid the bombs and reached super high speed and then he hit ramp to launch him into air. With punching of strength John Arbuckle kicked out the front window of his car and with badass rock music pounding the earwaves John Arbuckle fly at bomber with fists of vengeful fury. With technique taught to him by master teacher Garfield, John Arbuckle smashed a whole through the bomber and as the bomber fell from the sky it collided with the Lamborghini blowing up. John Arbuckle with triumph of success whipped out a pair of shades from his pocket as he parachuted downwards without looking at the explosion.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Scream one thousand Assassin goons that were popping out of nowhere with machine guns. "We must stop John Arbuckle before he stops us from taking over America!"

"Get ready to eat some lead!" Said John Arbuckle with iron sighting as he whipped out his revolvers. But before he could mow down all the Assassins with his revolvers, a Blackhawk helicopter piloted by Odie came out of nowhere and John Arbuckle used his parachuting skills to land in it. The gunner's side of the helicopter facing the Assassins opened up to reveal both John Arbuckle and Obama the President to the Assassins who futilely fired at the helicopter with their machine guns.

"Obama, you're here! But I never was able to phone you before the Assassins attacked me!" Said John Arbuckle with surprises.

"You need not ask for your helpful mutt had the same idea and picked me up from Washington where I was leading army in defenses against Assassin invasion fleet!" Said Obama the President with answering.

"Wow! Thanks Odie!" Said John Arbuckle with salutations to brave courage of Odie.

"I am only doing what Garfield would have wanted us to do." Said Odie with humbleness. "Now, Mr. President, if you will authorize the honors?"

"As President of the United States of America I authorize you to know that… YES WE CAN KILL THEM ALL FOR AMERICA!" Said Obama the President with orders. He then grabbed the controls of minigun and began firing super deadly bullets at the evil Assassins on the ground, while John Arbuckle picked off the remainder that Obama the President missed with his revolvers.

Sometime later John Arbuckle and his friends return to home of Garfield to make plans to recover stolen lasagna and babes that would allow them to save America from the Assassins.

"What will we do? I have just received news that Assassin fleet has landed and is invading Washington City, DC, USA." Said Obama with voice of worry.

"Quit being such a pussy – are you not a man?" Said Odie with question of disdain as he use slap of sense on Obama.

"You are right! I know that even in our darkest hour we can find the hope to fight and win this war!" Said Obama with newfound battle spirit.

"I have just the plan." Said John Arbuckle with announcements. He took out big map of exposition and set it on coffee table while expository music began to play in background.

"You see this in Antarctica? Superman gifted Garfield the Fortress of Solitude out of sheer admiration for Garfield's American manliness and knew that Garfield was far greater hero deserving of Antarctic Secret Fortress so Garfield rebranded it his Fortress of Lasagna. There Garfield has stored ultimate weapon of plot resolving convenience in case we ever were faced with a fight where Garfield was not around to save us!" Said John with exposition.

"I know just the way we can get there by borrowing Garfield's flying submarine tank but we are but three and without Garfield it would take at least six inferior men of less manly caliber than Garfield to man it without crashing!" Said John Arbuckle with sudden apprehension at where to find seven more men.

"Do not worry!" Said new voice of inspiring hope. The three turn with surprising to see that it was George Washington the first President of the United States of America strolling into John Arbuckle's house. At his side were asshole British man in blue coat and wooden mysterious hooded redskin man.

"George Washington! It is honor to meet you!" Said Obama the President with salute and bow of honor.

"Do not bow before me for I am not a king but merely a man who wishes to help the great people of America once more. And I myself are honored to see a man such as yourself in my former position of great honor." Said George Washington with humbleness as he and Obama the President did fistbump that boosted morale of people.

"Who are your friends George Washington?" Asked Odie with questioning.

"This are Haytham Kenway and his forest fruit bastard Connor who did everything I took credit for in the Revolution of America as seen in video game Assassinating Heroes' Creed the Third." Said George Washington with fourth-wall breaking. "Once they were enemy but now dire time have forced them to work together to protect America from evil Assassins!"

"But aren't you an Assassin already? You should be on their side." Questioned John Arbuckle with suspicions of great.

"Oh, he got kicked out because the other Assassins thought he wasn't cool enough." Said Haytham with assholish. "But the only person that gets allowed to hurt my son's feelings is me… and I will destroy the Assassins for robbing me of my bullying exclusive rights!"

"That's my dad! You're the best!" Said Connor with wooden loving father-son moment.

"And I'm here to help as well. The Assassins also kicked me out for the same reasons." Said Altair the other Good Assassin as he entered room. "Sorry I'm late. I took a tangent to pay that son of a bitch Frank Miller a visit to show him what I thought about holy terror. (timely reference)"

"Wow Altair that was a timely reference almost as good of one of Garfields!" Said John Arbuckle with complimenting.

"Thank you but I will not believe it until I hear the cat that has inspired my quest to fight for good say it to me in person." Said Altair with admiration of Garfield.

"I noting that we now have seven men." Said Obama the President with nothing. "We only need six. Why is there an extra?"

"In case the plot requires that one of us make a heroic self-sacrifice before we begin the expedition to Garfield's Fortress of Lasagna in a moment…" Said George Washington with more fourth-wall breakings.

At that moment, a million Assassins rushed into the house of John Arbuckle with intents of assassinating.

"…such as this." Finished George Washington.

"Then I shall be the one to make the sacrifice. For the people of America." Said Obama the President with brave selflessness in his voice.

"No, President, your country needs you!" Said John Arbuckle with concerned graveness.

"No. I am but a man. What the country truly needs now is the courage and indomitable nature of you – the people who make this great country what it is. It is because of the inherent heroism and goodwill of the American people that we have persisted through Civil War, world wars, and the age of terror. Now, it is time for you people to unleash that heroism and goodwill once more." Said Obama the President with encouragement as he placed his hand on the shoulder of John Arbuckle. "Now go and show these dastardly Assassins what happens when they dare mess with America!"

"I won't let you down! Good luck, Mr. President!" Said John Arbuckle, moved with tears at Obama the President's altruism.

"Don't worry! I was trained by Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian. Neither as manly and powerful as your teacher Garfield, but I shall buy you time! Now go, and save the day!" Said Obama the President with parting words as he rushed at the Assassin to begin epic kung fu battle.

The six men – followers of the Creed of Garfield who would save America ran to the garage of John Arbuckle's house, where John Arbuckle pressed secret button to reveal secret hangar where Garfield kept his flying submarine tank, the Monday Smasher! Epic gear-up music played as all six geared up for the battle to come and prepared the Monday Smasher for launch.

"This, people, is Operation Final Wars." Said John Arbuckle for trailer catchphrase as he took command in Obama the President's stead. As Monday Smasher heated up, the epic gear-up music reached crescendo and launched into sky, headed to Antarctica to retrieve the ultimate weapon of plot resolving convenience.

As he was absorbed in his epic kung-fu battle against the Assassins, Obama the President saw the Monday Smasher disappear into the sunsetting horizon. Tears of pride in the spirit of America flowed down his cheek as he did, all while reducing Assassin bones to dust with his strength of presidential. Then the Assassins swarmed all over him as battling continued to be.

Sometime later when the Monday Smasher was nearing Antarctica message pop up on John Arbuckle's communication screen. With disgust, John observe the evil laughing face of the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil who killed Garfield.

"Mwahahahahahaha!" Said the GRE with laughter. "You can never hope to best our mighty Assassin airfleet! You'll never reach Garfield's Fortress of Lasagna in one piece so why don't you just accept American manliness is dead and that the age of Assassin has begun?"

"Do you think that the letter on my chest stands for France?" Said John Arbuckle with patriotism as he ripped off his shirt to show mighty capitol A tattooed onto his chest above his six-pack of muscles.

"You fool! Your tiny Monday Smasher holds no hope of defeating my fleet of millions! I am forever, I will never be defeated or die! Mwahahahahaha – your petty little pussy Garfield never realized that until it was too late!"

"You [CENSORED] with my cat, you're going to [CENSORED] die!" Said John Arbuckle with rage of revengeance. "Give my regards to your little fleet of plastic birds!"

John Arbuckle then gave the GRE on the communication screen the double bird with such powerful patriotism and faith in the Creed of Garfield that it shortcircuited the line on the other end!

"They want war? We'll give them a war!" Said John Arbuckle as he began blaring DIO at amplified volume of 11 and piloted the ship into the incoming Assassin airship fleet at full speed.

Following came epic laser ship fight but suddenly blocking their path was giant intimidating boss fight force field generator ship that prevented them from landing at Garfield's Fortress of Lasagna.

"Oh no!" Said Odie with concern as he fired ravioli torpedoes at the Assassin ships. "How will we disable that force field? The force field prevents us from hitting with our weapons?"

"There is only one way." Said George Washington with realization. "The vile Assassins may be able to block mere physical weaponry, but those freedom-hating [CENSORED] will not be able to withstand the unleashed power of a true American hero!"

"But Commander, an attack in that manner will be absolute suicide!" Said Connor the Assassin with much wooden concern.

"Do not worry, my redskin friend." Said George Washington with farewell. "For as Garfield once said, a real man knows when he must sacrifice himself for others. It is time that I make ultimate sacrifice for the people of America, just as President from Africa showed me back there."

Then epic remix of epic gear-up music began to play as George Washington prepared for suicide attack. With solemn majesty that only Great Father Who Founding America can possess, he hopped onto Mattel Hoverboard and ejected himself from the Monday Smasher.

With soundtrack filling up with epic electric guitar riffs and synthesizer beats, George Washington sped towards the force field generator ship at full speed on his Hoverboard powered by sheer American heroism reflecting laser beams with the force of his patriotism. He then said message of disdain to the force field ship as he approached.

"You people came to this world, expecting a world that would bow before you without a fight! But you Assassins underestimate the glory of freedom, and the high price that we are all willing to pay so that the world may taste its glory! Now, feel the wrath of a TRUE AMERICAN HERO!" Said George Washington with epic unleashing of power as he morphed into giant flaming bald eagle with gatling guns mounted on his wings.

The soundtrack climaxed in epic metal orgasm as George Washington Eagle flew directly into the Force Field Generating Ship, breaking past the field of force as it was nothing because the heroes will always win!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed all the Assassins in the Force Field Generating Ship as it exploded and cause a shock of American Macho Patriotism that destroyed the entire Assassin airship fleet!

"Oh shit!" Said John Arbuckle with oh shitting. "There is too much manliness in the air for us to handle for only Garfield can absorb this much macho power at once!"

The remaining five heroes ejected from the Monday Smasher with lightning quick speed before it crashed, and landed in Antarctic snow.

"Oh…. the Fortress of Lasagna is so far away. We will never reach it in time to save America from the Assassins!" Said John Arbuckle with defeating despair as he slumped down into the snow. "Already two of us are dead and America is being invaded as we speak!"

But then with motivational music begin to play, Connor stood up and began to make wooden inspirational speech.

"Do not worry, John Arbuckle. For Garfield once made for me this speech to inspire people with if people ever needed inspiring. I made once made a promise to protect our people. I thought that those I supported would do what was right. They did, I suppose, do what was right. What was right for them. Are we born to argue? To fight? So many voices, each demanding something else… It has been hard at times, but never harder than today to see all that we worked for perverted, discarded, forgotten! The Grandmaster Assassin of Evil would say I have described the whole of history. Is he smiling, then? Hoping we might speak the words he longs to hear? To validate him and surrender to his evil? To say that all along, he were right? We will not. Even now, faced as we are with the overwhelming odds of despair stacked against, I refuse, because I believe we can still save the day. We may not all see this journey to the end, but we will not stop! Compromise. That is what everyone has insisted upon. And so Garfield taught it to me. But differently than most, I think… Garfield showed me that it will take time; that the road ahead is long, and shrouded in darkness. It is a road that will not always take us where we wish to go, and I doubt I will live to see its end. But I will travel down it nonetheless. For at our side walks hope. In the face of all that insists we turn back, we carry on. This… This is our compromise. That is the true meaning of the Creed of Garfield."

Inspired, John Arbuckle regained his strength of spirited fighting and they began the walking scene with large sweeping landscape widescreen shots to the Fortress of Lasagna.

But when they reached the entrance of the Fortress of Lasagna they heard laughter of evil as Evil Black Woman in Hat pop out with hundreds of Assassins!

"Mwahahahaha!" Said Aveline the Evil Black Woman Assassin. "You have just walked into a trap! You will never get into the fortress and looted it of its delicious man-powering lasagna!"

"You are wrong. For it is you that is trapped with us!" Said Odie with defiance.

Odie, John Arbuckle, Haytham Kenway, Connor, and Altair all take out their weapons in preparation for epic fight scene to be shown in trailer but then Aveline ripped off her shirt.

"Feel the wrath of my honkers, you honkeys!" She fired paralyzing beams of wicked horniness from her tatas at them.

"Noooo… this evil sexy is too much for us to resist!" Cried four of them as they were caught in the overwhelming beams of arousal. But John Arbuckle, with nerves of determined steel, fought his way through the pain with great power of determination that only a student of the Garfield could possess.

"What? How can this honkey not be fallin' to my chocolate milkshake?" Said Aveline with shocking horror.

"You fool I have eyes only for Liz, Garfield… and FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" Said John Arbuckle with finishing maneuver as he pulled out katana and leapt Aveline, slicing in her in two vertically and then swiftly defeating ten Assassins that tried to swarm him with swift samurai maneuvers.

"Thank you John! Now it's time to kick some ass!" Said Odie as he focused his sniper rifle and began picking off Assassins with the other three heroes.

"We are clearly outnumbered! We must retreat to safety! RETREAT!" Screamed the Assassin commander.

"On my Earth, under my watch, there is nowhere for evil to retreat to!" Said a familiar manly voice as Hans Zimmer soundtrack started to play.

"Great Caesar's Ghost … he is alive!" Said John Arbuckle with joys of surprised tears.

Everyone watch in awe as giant tidal wave form up and coming out of the tidal wave was Garfield riding on a trained pod of laser-firing orcas that fired lasers as they completed arc from one side of ocean to the next. As they reached the zenith of the arc, Garfield leapt off and began to fire his Desert Eagles at the Assassins. He then landed and pounded fist into ground, sending off shockwaves of energy that reduced hundreds of Assassins to nothing but dust!

"How do you vile enemies of America like your fist?" Asked Garfield as he finished off all the remaining Assassins with just his fists of lasagna-fueled manliness.

"Garfield, how did you survive being blown up in orbit along with the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil's superbomb from the first chapter?" Asked Odie with questioning as he gave another macho buddy high-five to Garfield.

"It is simple, I used the gravitational boost of my manly kicking to send the superbomb into the sun!" Said Garfield with astrophysical science explaining.

"But how did you return to Earth Garfield?" Asked again Odie.

"I violated every single known law of physics and caused great destruction porn for the trailer before reentering the atmosphere surfing on the corpse of Lucrezia Borgia to greatly bombastic music. But unlike Sandra Bullock, I didn't have to hyperventilate and scream for an hour before doing it! (timely joke)" Said Garfield with answering.

"Wow that was a timely joke Garfield!" Said John Arbuckle.

"Thank you John but I am afraid we have little time left for joking." Said Garfield with great seriousness as he opened the door to the Fortress of Lasagna. "You know what must be done, but I shall travel ahead back to America."

"Good luck, Garfield!" Said all five of the surviving heroes who had inspired the people of Earth to rise up and fight in Garfield's absence. But now, it was time for the King to make his entrance once more. The final battle for lasagna and freedom had finally begun!

To be concluded...


	3. Chapter 3

At Atlantic Ocean there was giant fleet of Assassin pirating ships filled with nefarious scheming pirate Assassins attacking states of United Americaness with wretched plot of empty Fort Knox. Scheming petty Assassin Pirate Edward make plans of petty scheming with his compatriots Blackbeard and Adewale the Token Black. But little did Assassin know that one thing stood between them and precious gold of Fort Knox.

"Come my compatriots we go check on power-fueling lasagna supply neh heh heh heh heh" Said Edward with weaselness.

"That is a very good idea!" Said Blackbeard with agreements but when they go down into supply of ship for checking they see horrifying sight!

It was Garfield, drinking Jack Daniels whiskey and eating lasagna while Jimi Hendrix play on radio in background!

"Want some lasagna, amigos? On any day whenever you're hungry it's a godsend." Said Garfield with offerings of Assassin surrender while forking down delicious lasagna.

"No! Damn you and your lasagna!" Said Edward with refusals of angry. "I will not bow my fleet before uncivilized American cat such as yourself! Once I kill you… I will replace all delicious yummy lasagna peasant food in world with far superior boiled and mashed cuisine of the British empire!"

"Then I see that there is no more use in convincing you to surrender or die for you are truly evil with no room for redemption! Prepare for some fresh fish and chips you sticky seaman!" Said Garfield with burning power of coming pummel.

"Not so fast!" Said Edward with sudden boost of evil. "Don't you remember who I actually am my old enemy?"

"Gasp!" Said Garfield with gasping. "It can't be! I destroyed you long ago in one of my previous adventures in manliness!"

"No Garfield you only managed to destroy one of my robot duplicates! And now… feast your eyes upon my true form!" Said Edward with changing of voice as he ripped off his Edward skin and flesh and bones to reveal that he was really Hitlar!

"Of course! I should have saw this coming with the blue eyes, blonde hair, and super overcompensation for lack of real manliness." Said Garfield with shaking of head. "But no worry. This time I put you down for good, Adolf you life freedom hating wursthead!"

"You should have seen this coming faster then! Die Garfield Die!" Said Hitlar with maniacal evil of destruction as he blasted Garfield with ubercharge of killing Nazi superpower! But then smoke clear and Hitlar in die Hose machen as he see Garfield unharm completely! Garfield had counteracted Nazi evil with power good of freedom and love and absorbed it all to become more powerful!

"Ach nein!" Screamed Adolf with fear.

"What will we do?" Said Blackbeard and Adewale with pansyness as faced with Nazi-killing rage of Garfield.

"Stay here and hold the blasted American feline interloper off while I retrieve reinforcements from the Fatherland!" Said Adolf with lies as he run for his life.

"Taste the revenge of Queen Anne!" Said Blackbeard as he stabbed Garfield with sword only to find it snap in two upon coming in contact with Garfield's muscles of steel.

"My turn!" Said Garfield with turning as he grab Blackbeard's black beard and began tugging. "Your facial hear is hazard of health and it is time you met the power of razor fist!"

Garfield with fist rip off Blackbeard's black beard and with his beard come off all his skin until he was bloody flesh standing. Garfield then gathered his inner strength as Blackbeard was stunned and unleashed might attack of "SHORYUKEN!"

"IN A WORLD WITHOUT GOLD I MIGHT HAVE BEEN A HEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed Blackbeard of death as Garfield uppercutted him away into far away salt mine.

"Damn cracker you a tougher [CENSORED] than I expected!" Said Adewale with fearings. "But I wont letya gettuh muh mastuh!"

Adewale then rip out two fried chicken shurikens and toss them at Garfield. But Garfield with agility of cheetah grabbed the chicken and tossed them back at Adewale decapitating him.

"Promoting racial stereotypes isn't cool! Learn to respect each other for our differences, kids!" Said Garfield with warnings to reader as he put on sunglasses of coolness and went to find Hitlar.

Hitlar was on deck gripping spear of Nazi black magic and drinking Nazi lager to fuel his nefarious evilness.

"You are too late Garfield for I have retrieved my plot of boss fight prolonging device! Now grovel in fear while I summon henchmen to battle you while I sit back and relax while waiting for you to finish attacking them and then me!" Said Hitlar with activations of spear as Wagner began to play in the skies.

Sudden lighting cloud gather over Assassin fleet and out of wormhole come Valkyries! But instead of killing Garfield with spears as Hitlar hoped they sudden swoon over Garfield and touch in very nice furry kitty places.

"Thank you babes. I knew that feeling my macho charm would open your eyes to the folly of serving pure evil of the Ratzi party." Said Garfield with readyness of finishings as he approached Hitlar.

"NEIN! I knew that my sex appeal was nothing compared to that of Garfields!" Said Hitlar with despair as Garfield stood above him and begin to grovel. "Please Garfield show me mercy I promise I will reform this time and stop killing Jews and freedom!"

"Take your filthy hands of off me and have drink of your demise! Chug it, Hitlar, chug it!" Said Garfield as he grabbed giant beer keg and began forced Hitler to down it all. Before long, Hitlar was super bloated liquid bag.

"Now… here's the fresh fish and chips I order for you earlier!" Said Garfield with waitering as he grabbed swordfish from sea and poked Hitlar with it.

"NEIN GARFIELD AND FREEDOM WINS AGAIN!" Screamed Hitlar as he died for good, exploded by punctuation into million bloody pieces.

"Anyone else before I destroy Assassin fleet with conveniently placed C4?" Said Garfield with pyrotechnics.

"Oh Garfield please spare us!" Say Mary Read and Anne Boney as they climb out of prisoner hold. "Those vile Assassins hold us against our will and force us to do Assassin bidding of evil!"

"I will give you benefit of doubt for I am no goosestepping mongrel." Said Garfield with merciness. "Now let us make our exit with style!"

Garfield wrapped up both pirate babes with muscular arms and they giggled as they feel the muscularity of his arms. Then as Garfield jump with force of gazelle he press detonator to boost height of jump with explodings. Force of exploding carry Garfield and babes to exotic Caribbean island.

"Garfield, how can we ever repay you for saving us?" Said the Pirate Babes with willingness of givings.

"Ladies, just feed me some of that mucho delicious lasagna and I will take you on a trip to Captain's Quarters to show you my flagpole!" Said Garfield with answers.

"Oh Garfield you are so generous!" Said the Pirate Babes as they undressed and laid lasagna out all over their bodies. With speed of ravished kitten Garfield unleashed himself upon Pirate Babes and stripped their bodies clean of lasagna to the last spot of tomato sauce and ricotta with his tongue. The Pirate Babes oohed and aahed as Garfield consumed culinary achievement off of them and as they felt his rough manly cat tongue licking their soft creamy bodies clean.

"That was only starter course. Now our lasagna feast begins for real." Said Garfield with lights off as he boarded Mary Read's ship and plundered Anne Boney's loot.

"Oh Garfield Calico Jack's ship was nothing compared to yours!" Said Anne Boney with congratulatings as she rubbed over hands all over Garfield's 48 stack cooler of abs as Mary massaged them both with hands put in heated lasagna cooking oil.

"You haven't seen anything yet!" Said Garfield with pride as he fired cannonball shot into Mary Read so hard he broken all her lower body bones. Mary laugh with pleasure of sexiness as she feeled all her bones breaking because of Garfield's cannon and beg for more. With strength of mighty lion and cunning of crafty tiger Garfield soon flood entire island with the love juice of their making. The air was sweetly scented with the smell of fresh baked lasagna.

"Want some milk, pussy cat?" Said Anne with sweetness as she dangled her cannonballs over Garfield.

"Of course, red. But remember… I ain't no pussy. I am a man!" Said Garfield with deliciousness as Anne Boney gave him fresh hot milk fresh from the source as he rode Mary Read like a wild stallion, clawing her all over her stern and rudder until they were streaks of sexualized red.

"And finally… it is time to send you both to Davy Jones' locker!" Said Garfield as he thrusted in with one final ram of his ship that create mega sonic boom of pleasurable lovemaking heard as far away as home of Kim-Jung Un who instantly shriveled and died as he felt the all-consuming powerful force of freedom and Garfield's manliness liberate North Korea.

"Oh Garfield truly you are a king amongst men!" Said Anne and Mary as they continued to give him kisses and hugs after the climatic climax of their month of grand lovemaking as Garfield felt their new largening bellies and made them kiss each other to charge up the sexiness rating.

"Babes thanks to you my stats have been fully recharged and I am ready to set sail to take on Grandmaster Assassin of Evil at last." Said Garfield with charm.

"Give em scurvy, Garfield!" Said the Pirate Babes to Garfield as he returned to sea to march to Washington DC to end Assassin threat for good.

Mere minutes later in Washington DC Assassins were nowhere close to penetrating the valiant defenses of mighty American army and their leader Sheriff Clint Eastwood who cut down hundreds of Assassins with his seasons lineup of Texas cowboys. But then Sheriff Clint Eastwood receive on walky-talky order to stop fighting for America's army's services no longer were needed! Army then retreated with maximum efficiency.

"Why have they retreat?" Asked Desmond Miles with curiosity.

"Maybe we all have a bit of Frenchman in us. In the end, the A in America truly does stand for France!" Said Ezio Auditore with racism.

"Hey!" Said the Three Identical Bearded White Frenchmen Assassins and their leader, Arno Schwartz the Bearded White Frenchmen from upcoming 2014 video game Unity of the Assassinating Creed with objections.

"Nobody cares you damn closeted frogs! You don't even have any hot French chickees to use as eye candy to distract a real man if he shows up, you fruity loops." Said Ezio with great meanness.

"What are we going to do now?" Asked Desmond Miles with oblivioness.

"The damn obvious – we take over America and rebrand Assassin Land as the first part of the Grandmaster's global empire of evil!" Laughed Ezio with evilness.

But then something happen at coastline that end Ezio's laugh and reduce it to quake of pansy fear. Tsunami was rising and bystanders fled from the tsunami along as savior of day began emerging from the sea. Assassins quiver like pansies they are as they fire their assault rifles at the incoming threat, who loomed large and mighty above them. Atmospheric reveal hyping music began to play as the bullets bounced off of his gleaming muscles of invincibility. Bystanders all stand and gape in awe of the great hero come to save him as his tsunami washed them away.

"We must destroy America before he reaches us!" Said Ezio with fear as he ran other direction of charging Assassins to save himself from the inevitable.

"Death to America and freedom!" Shouted all the Assassins as they rushed at helpless civilians. Civilians scream as the Assassins begin cause great distraction until sudden blast of hardrocking heavy metal hit the airwaves and explosions from other side of street of famous American landmark location blasted many Assassins away as something heroic and manly come forward to save America as explosions blasted many bystanders away as they cheer on in joy!

With camera pan of revealing hype anticipation pay-off, and a giant step of powerful manliness making dents in ground, Garfield stepped forward before the Assassins and let out mighty roar of super-manly strength.

"I have come here to eat lasagna and kick ass. And I'm all out of lasagna."

"You cannot hope to overcome us all we are a billion strong in number and killing us one by one would only allow Ezio and the Grandmaster time to escape!" Said Desmond with mockery.

"A billion is not even equivalent to ant against me. You all will fall in matter of short minutes." Said Garfield as he whipped out vintage white fedora of stylishness. Garfield then took out nickel from pockets of endless manliness and flicked it across the Potomac River where it landed in a jukebox in some bar in Richmond. With paying of nickel forged by Garfield's own manly hands, music began to play all across America bringing hope to people oppressed by Assassin evil.

Garfield began to strike a groovy beat and all the Assassins started to scream as the music overwhelmed their evil-fueled resistance.

"Noooo…" Screamed Desmond as his eardrums popped then he took his hidden blade and popped it into his brain killing himself. "Garfield is too strourk –ded."

"It is only fortunate that the French words for victory are je me rends and fuyez otherwise we might have lost this!" Said the French Assassins with Frenchness as they ran way leaving other billion Assassins to their fate as Garfield began singing epic dancing song with beats of fastness and epic riffs of synthethizing guitars. As Garfield danced and sang, all the Assassins surrounding him were possessed to dance along with Garfield in perfect synchronization.

"As he came into the kitchen  
It was the smell of an orgasmo  
He came over to the oven  
He left the pan on the counter  
She burned up on the table  
He could see she was hot  
So she ran into the cooling rack  
She was gulped down, it was her doom

Lasagna, are you delish?  
So, Lasagna, are you delish?  
Are you delish, Lasagna?  
Lasagna, are you delish?  
So, Lasagna, are you delish?  
Are you delish, Lasagna?  
Lasagna, are you delish?  
So, Lasagna, are you delish?  
Are you delish, Lasagna?  
Lasagna, are you delish?  
So, Lasagna, are you delish?  
Are you delish, Lasagna?"

As the American people cheered on Garfield as he danced like no man had ever danced before, one punk kid said with lies "Woo I taught him everything he knows!"

"Prove it!" Said other kid with skepticisms.

The punk kid began to dance only for Garfield to snap finger with insolence and vaporize kid with lightning heaven for crime of lying.

"Beat it, punk." Said Garfield with warnings.

As song winded down Garfield stopped dancing with larger-than-life finish freeze pose. As he did this all one billion Assassins who had been dancing blew up in death.

But suddenly one hundred million more Assassins came running to avenge deaths of comrade.

"Ha ha Garfield we are immune to power of dancing how will you kill us huh?" Said Assassins with bravadoo.

With scream of fighting spirit, Garfield did spinning twirl and ripped out submachine gun mowing down all the Assassins!

"Wow Garfield that was smooth shooting worthier than Eastwood!" Said George W. Bush as he climbed out of hiding hole with congratulations. "I think its safe to declare that mission has been accomplished!"

"Save your aesthetic pleasements for later. It's still Assassin season out there and there is lasagna and babes that need saving." Said Garfield with slapping of Bush as he used his superior manly feline sense of smell to locate Assassins who had not fallen by his macho power hands yet.

Meanwhile in the secret lair where Grandmaster Assassin of Evil was making his freedom-hating plans for future of conquered United States of Freedom, when Ezio burst in with Assassin clothing wetted with the juice of unmanly pussies.

"Grandmaster it is horrible! Garfield has returned and he is killing us by the millions with each second!" Said Ezio with crying baby.

"Quit it with your sad woes, you little Florentine bitch." Said the Grandmaster with disdain of much.

"But Grandmaster Garfield is destroying everything we need to take over America!" Said Ezio with hard news.

"I worry not because they Assassins that Garfield fells are nothing compared to me. He has faced many nefarious enemies such Hitlar and Osama Bin Laden but none of them are disciples of true evil such as myself!" Said the Grandmaster with evil laughter of twirling mustachio.

At that very moment there was loud crashing as Garfield burst through the wall with revving engine of flame-painted Harley Davidson with American flags flying. Attached to front of Garfield's Harley were the decapitated heads of the Frenchmen.

"You're French fries and their fagots were no match for me." Said Garfield with explainings.

"I can't take this anymore! I once thought that I was a man but Garfield has shown me that I was only a delusional pussy out of his league!" Said Ezio with shitting of pants. He hopped on pink Vespa bike and sped away.

"I'll be back." Said Garfield to Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with promises as he shot out constricting chains of machismo to bind Grandmaster Assassin of Evil in place as he sped off after Ezio in hot pursuit as action-packed chase music began to play.

"Why do you follow me? I am defeated for good!" Said Ezio as he cried uncontrollably as Garfield's Harley blaring Iron Maiden easily caught up to Ezio's Vespa.

"You are the one who got us into this whole mess and the one who dared stain the honor of America and freedom by bringing evil Assassin who would take them from world! Now it is time for reckoning, Ezio!" Said Garfield with reckoning as he bumped into Ezio's Vespa with high speeds destroying the Vespa with explosions and launching Ezio into the air. Garfield then hit ramp into air follow Ezio and as Ezio was flying through sky Garfield unleashed fury fists of justice upon him.

"M-m-mercy! I am sorry for all the bad things I did! Please forgive me and train me to be real man like you!" Said Ezio with pleadings as Garfield shattered every single bone in his body.

"Speakings of syncophanticism won't get you anywhere, Ezio! The only one who can determine your fate now is the one whose honor you have stained – Lady Liberty!" Said Garfield with decisiveness as in mid-air Garfield hop off of Harley and grab it by the rear bumper and swing it into Ezio like bat of baseball.

Ezio flew all the way to New York the City of New York where he hit Lady Liberty's torch and burned to death with great screaming of pansy anguish.

"And the verdict is death!" Said Garfield with satisfaction at justice delivered as he flipped back onto his motorcycle and landed it from air to speed back to Grandmaster Assassin of Evil to end the evil Assassins for good.

All of a sudden lightning came from sky above but Garfield swerve to avoid it with instant reflex of maneuvering.

"Wow that was impressive Garfield but it shall not be fast enough to escape my wrath!" Said the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with lightning.

"Than I shall come to you!" Said Garfield with comings as he rode rooftop parkour on Washington City monuments until blasting through White House window at the Grandmaster Assassin of Evil with another fist of justice serving planned.

"Exactly what I wish for you to do, you feline fool!" Said the Grandmaster with trap as he used lighting shock field to blast Garfield away who gracefully landed on head of Lincoln Memorial and dodge another blast of lightning from Grandmaster.

"Damn you Garfield for landing on your feet!" Said the Grandmaster with frustration as Garfield engaged with Grandmaster in mid-air flying kung fu battle. "But I shall be the victorious one!"

"Don't be so cocksure when you leave cock unguarded!" Said Garfield with cheap trick as he delivered finishing blow to Grandmaster blasting him downwards from air into Congress Building shattering it.

"That wasn't very manly of you Garfield!" Said the Grandmaster with pain.

"You are no man with honor – you do not deserve to be treated as such!" Said Garfield with honorableness.

Garfield stood over defeated Grandmaster and reached for his iron mask forged from pure evil.

"And now it is time for unmasking!" Said Garfield with unmasking. "And you are… sorry, who are you?"

"Goddamn it Garfield dont you remember me I am Lyman!" Said Lyman with evil laugh.

"I'm sorry the name doesn't ring a bell." Said Garfield with perplexion.

"Well fortunately the author had back-up plan in case you were unable to remember me." Said Lyman with back-up as he pressed button on his neck to open up chest cavity to reveal that Lyman was actually robot piloted by no one other than…

"Nermal, the world's cutest kitten!" Said Nermal with catchphrase of announcing as he applied make-up to his eyelashes and layers of scarlet red lipsticks as he click-clacked his high-heels on the ground as he got out of robot suit.

"Why Nermal Why Look at the destruction that you have made with your legion of Assassins!" Said Garfield with whying as he pointed at the destruction of Washington DC around them made by epic final fight.

"I was always jealous of you Garfield. I was the cutest kitten in the world but no matter how much coffee I drank or cigarettes I smoked to make myself cuter all the hot chicks flocked to you like foolish mice to poisoned bread!" Said Nermal with hating jealousy.

"Nermal I warned you that underage smoking were for losers and that it would prevent you from getting the babes like me." Said Garfield with sadness.

"You should have done more! You are no hero Garfield you are merely a pig fooling the sheep!" Said Nermal with misplaced anger. "But now I shall destroy you and all your friends so that with no manly men left to stop me, I shall be the only choice the chicks have!"

"But why attempt to destroy America?" Said Garfield with indigniation.

"Without freedom and greatness of American no one in world dare have ball to stand up to me!" Said Nermal with freedom-hating evil. "And with all lasagna and babes in world under my control, I can binge on them anytime I want to become supermanlier than ever you Garfield!"

"You are fool, Nermal for thinking that you can become man by cheating like that!" Said Garfield with shaking of head.

"Yes I may be fool but at least I will not be a dead fool like you!" Said Nermal with fighting initiation as he ripped out from his Gucci handbag Manly Steroids for Cheaters and downed entire can. With drugs coursing through body Nermal morphed into Freaking Angry Giant Nermal! Flexing new muscle with glee, Nermal laughed with evil as he snatch Garfield up with giant hands. "You came here prepared to fight a pussy… but instead you found a MAN!"

"Now it is payback for all the times you through me out the door and the visits to Abu Dhabi, Garfield!" Said Nermal with intents of payback.

"I was just trying to help you become more of man!" Said Garfield with sadness of inevitable dawning. "But you are beyond helping now Nermal."

"Still such a big mouth!" Said Nermal with tsk-tsking. "But not once I use you for a few dribbles and slam dunks with my newfound manly strength!"

"You mean your newly manufactured faker man strength!" Said Garfield with corrections as he concentrated his inner energy and blasted Nermal's grip off of him. "And I will let no faker use me as his basketball!"

Garfield hopped in attack helicopter and flew at Nermal firing missiles from his machine guns but Nermal swatted him off course. As Garfield land in freefall Nermal lift leg and prepare to crush Garfield like bug.

"Now Garfield I shall crush you like bug!" Said Nermal with crushing.

"NEVER!" Roared Garfield with mighty defiance as he used all his strength of muscles to hold up Nermal's crushing foot with strain of greatness.

"You must give!" Said Nermal with laughter of futile resistance. "And even if you do resist longer, there is no way that you can escape and defeat me, the world's new manliest kitten! America has fallen and yet you still resists! Why?"

"BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE WILL!" Said Garfield with self.

Then from the skies above came a familiar noise that pumped power of hope into the muscles of Garfield!

"AMAKOOOO"

Jon Arbuckle swooped through skies on fighter jet blaring Iron Maiden at maximum amplitude and fired missiles of homing at Nermal.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO" Screamed Nermal with knocking backs as the missiles blew Nermal off of Garfield.

"Here Garfield catch it is ultimate device of plot resolving convenience!" Said John Arbuckle as he ejected out in freefall and gave Garfield device!

"Thank you Jon Arbuckle. Now it is time to show Nermal what a real man is made of!" Said Garfield with showing as he activated device with transformed into giant guitar-operated golden mech fueled by the power of lasagna and freedom.

"YOU SHALL PERISH, GARFI-OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII" Said Nermal with oh shit as Garfield hit opening riff and blasted Nermal with man-laser beam.

"Now Nermal you will know what happens to followers of path of evil." Said Garfield with regrets.

"No fool I will crush you and your tin robot like aaaaack" Said Nermal with ack as Garfield ripped Monument to Washington out of ground and pummel Nermal with it. Garfield with guitar play epic 10 hour masterpiece of pulse-wracking intensities as he unleash full on brutal smackdown upon Nermal.

"Come again?" Said Garfield with coolness as he slam defeated Nermal down into National Mall.

"How can it be?" Said Nermal with howing. "I took all the man steroids and became a God yet you still bested me!"

"Nermal you should know the Creed of now extinct Assassin say that nothing is true and everything is permitted." Said Garfield with truth as he snap Washington Monument in two and use Nermal as drum pad.

"NO GARFIELD I WILL BE THE MANLIEST CAT IN THE WORLD!" Said Nermal with denial.

"Nermal you should have learned that cheaters never prosper! You were never man. You were simply the pussy you always were." Said Garfield with revelations. "But if you want be man so badly… come and take it!"

Garfield hit final heroic guitar strumming and Garfield's Lasagna Mech reached into Nermal's mouth and unloaded complete flow of manly power.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY BODY IS FAR TOO PUSSY TO HANDLE REAL MAN POWER!" Said Nermal with overwhelming.

"Wow Garfield you have him at the edge! Now… Finish him!" Said Jon Arbuckle with announcing.

"My pleasure!" Said Garfield with fatalities as he blasted off Nermal's head with manpower and held it above wreckage of Washington DC victorious.

"Garfield you are real hero once again!" Said everyone as they applauded him in the wreckage of their lives as celebration music began to play.

Garfield then with superspeed of Lasagna Mech rebuild all of Washington DC and rescued the kidnapped babes and lasagna. As Garfield hopped out of mech with babes swooning over him and feeding him lasagna Obama the President swooped downwards on George Washington Eagle covered in blood of one million dead Assassins.

"Garfield here is medal as thanks for saving America and coincidentally the world once more." Said Obama the President with congraturations as he put medal on Garfield.

"Thank you Obama but I have fear I run out of medal room for I save the world far too many times." Said Garfield with announcing.

"Do not worry Garfield" Said Obama the President with alternative. "As thanks for saving America and freedom from vile Assassins I use Presidential authority to grant you possession of all babes and lasagna you have rescued."

"I appreciate that Mr. President but the Templars and Assassins are evil because they could not share this world." Said Garfield with introspective. "It will make me no different from their vile ways if I do not do what they could not."

"What do you mean Garfield?" Said Obama the President with questioning.

"I announce with my manly authority that I am throwing lasagna party with babes and everyone is invited!" Said Garfield with party as whole world cheered.

"You are truly standout amongst inferior men!" Said Obama the President with fist-bump.

"Wow Garfield you were awesome back there!" Said redskin woman led by Connor as she planted kiss on Garfield.

"Who are you?" Asked Garfield with questioning.

"This is my mom!" Said Connor with family. "She was dead but the radical waves created by final fight brought her and all the dead people back to life!"

"You are true man!" Said Connor's mom as she pet Garfield all over.

"Wait she is my lover!" Said Haytham Kenway with jealousy.

"Move over Haytham Garfield is far more man than you ever will be!" Said Connor's mom with rejections. "Garfield will you marry me?"

"Lady there is always room for one more!" Said Garfield with polygamy.

"Wow Garfield I am proud to have you as Dad! You are far cooler than my real dad!" Said Connor with wowing.

"And I am proud to have you as my stepson. You have great potential here that only I can see." Said Garfield with pride as he and Connor's mom locked lips of passion.

"I can't believe it… I can't even have pleasure of making own son feel bad now." Said Haytham Kenway with disbelief. "Where is Altair so I can have minority punching bag?"

"Oh he went to star in buddy cop movie with new buddy Jon Arbuckle. But don't worry. Garfield gets always all glory and women at end of adventure. You get used to it quickly." Said Odie with sudden turn of jealousy as he and Haytham went to find sorrow-drowning bar.

"He'll pay for this one day, hogging all the glory and woman when we helped even if it takes aid of vampire gangsters and kidnapping to do it!" Said Odie with ominous foreshadowing.

"Shall I take you to my private chambers to give you a taste of the forest fruits?" Said Connor's mom with offering.

"Oh baby I look forward to consuming your fresh wild produce." Said Garfield with sly wink as he and Connor's mom walked off into sunset with Connor. "Pay close attention boy I will show you just how real man does it under the sheets."

The End?

Author's note: If Ubisoft is reading this and would like to make Garfield's Creed into game that would be ok.


End file.
